i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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