I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can I color on your dick again?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
