he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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