theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
