I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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