i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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