Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
