Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
