That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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