be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
vagina is talking i cant
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
