In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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