Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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