Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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