Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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