The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
