Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
