ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize