Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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