um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
