This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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