If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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