you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
