dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We left the knife in your bed.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
