did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
