we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
