Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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