wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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