I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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