If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
