sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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