P.S. I can't hear my feet
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
