He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
