your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize