my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
