the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
