Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
