I need help removing her.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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