Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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