I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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