I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
