Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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