sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can't turn off my feet"
Randomize
