ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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