We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize