I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
