dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
