I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
