oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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