Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
