I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
