I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize