I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
