What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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