too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
