if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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