Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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