he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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