I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
